Medical Recommendations From The Royal McDonald Fatuous Institute

Having studied for almost 40 years under the tutelage of some of the all-time greats of medical science (Dr Leonard 'Bones' McCoy, Dr Julian Bashir, Dr Benjamin Franklin Pierce, Dr Greg House, Dr Quincy and Dr Johnny Fever), I was alarmed to read today that Belgian medical researchers have identified indoor swimming pools as a potential health threat to infants.

This has prompted me to discuss with my elite team of medical researchers to close poste haste the important clinical studies we have been undertaking at the RMFI into other crucial health problems. Before the Royal McDonald Fatuous Institute submits our findings to The Lancet, The Harvard Medical Review and FHM Magazine I'd like to share some of our initial recommendations.

A Generational Study on Cranial/Hammer Interface
The RMFI can categorically state that after watching 4 generations of the Partridge Family of Drouin, Victoria we would recommend that daily beatings to the back of the head with a ball pein hammer are not conducive to memory retention. When this study was first launched Mr Rueben Kincaid (patriarch and great grandfather of the Kincaid family) remarked upon the "dull, throbbing pain" when hit by the aforementioned hammer. After 16 months and the introduction of the hammer therapy to Rueben's daughter Margret, his grandson Kenneth and his great-grand-nephew Eli none of the Kincaid's can remember who won the Melbourne Cup in 1975, the last Democratic US Presidential candidate with 'G' in his surname, or the lyrics to the song "Love To Love You Baby" by Donna Summer.

Inhaling Projectiles and the Gag Reflex
My learned colleagues, Dr Joseph Smyth-Goebbels and Dr Doctor-Can't-You-Hear-Me-Calling-Calling are in the final lap of a race against time to find a cure for the involuntary gag reflex when subject patients swallow small arm munitions, artillery shells and guided missiles. Starting in 1973 with their breakthrough trials for a mouth guard against .50 cal machine gun bullets, our enlightened staff have almost completed an impervious shield of titanium/carbon fibre that when fitted on the epiglottis will almost certainly prevent naval bombardments from going down the wrong way. So far both the US Marine Corps and the Pizza Hut chain of family restaurants have shown marginal interest in our findings.

Mustard Gas as a Bunion Remover
Foot diseases and podiatry has been a major strand of the RMFI's medical research work ever since the patron of the Institute, Lord Raglan of Balaclave returned from the Crimean War with tinea and sprung ankles. Our findings on the wearing of moccasins and the correlated incidence of schizophrenia were the talk of the International Shoe Retailer's 1987 Global Conference held in Marrakesh, Morocco, so when I first asked for funding from the Australian Medical Association and also from Florsheim Shoe Manufacturers there was plenty of money to spread around. My findings are inconclusive at this time as I have discovered that within a controlled environment Mustard Gas is more efficient for acne or suppurating boils. I've held some interdisciplinary talks with the Japanese Aum sect and its medicos re Sarin Gas but the discussions have been hampered by the total lack of any English skills on their part, or Japanese on ours.

Internet Porn, Impotence and Lord of The Rings Fetishism
This bold new study in epidemiological health research has already convincingly attributed male sexual inadequacy to the increased levels of exposure to nude photos of Gandalf or Bilbo Baggins on the internet. Our confirmational findings re Aragorn and Viagra-induced Priapism is still to be finalised, but as soon as our internet account is re-established after somewhat embarrassing images were found on the Institutes's computer hard drive by the NSW Police I am sure my team of medical experts will resolve this challenge for all Tolkein reading geeks.

If you wish to help the Royal McDonald Fatuous Institute in its battle against obscure diseases, and Andrew's pursuit of retiring with heaps of cash and naked beautiful women all between the ages of 18-21 bringing him beer and pizza then please provide your credit card details to your local Saab dealer. And ask for Theo.